Holding Pattern
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You never know when it happens
that the body keeps the score
a type of holding pattern
that never releases its pull
You’ll be free of it
for some odd number of years,
but a sharp smell
or a quick feeling
or a second of remembrance
causes the façade to crumble —
all that you’ve worked for
in building up walls,
brick by brick,
mortar to mortar,
relinquished to an involuntary response
to compress yourself into the smallest
possible position fathomable,
to minimize yourself
for the sake of being invisible
while your sobs and tears
are inconsolable to whomever
might be present,
whatever label they might hold
means nothing if they’re unable
to see you again afterwards
whatever person they might be
does nothing to help
if they’re not capable of understanding
how these holding patterns work
what it means to experience
a moment long past
with intrusive force
when you’re just trying
to break free and enjoy
the moment with a man
that didn’t hurt you,
that wouldn’t hurt you —
If only these holding patterns
didn’t make you afraid
If only I knew
that my body would hold,
and collapse
when you touched me that way,
when you moved that way,
when you smelled THAT way,
If only I knew
that my body was stuck
in a holding pattern from that night
and other nights that weren’t so different
If only I knew
that I wouldn’t be able to
control my response
when my body was triggered
If only I had known
how to break this holding pattern,
then, maybe I wouldn’t still experience
that physiological
and emotional response
to that kind of touch
and that kind of movement
and those kinds of smells
But that kind of healing —
the healing that happens
to release the pain that’s held
within your bones,
within your muscles,
within your heart,
within your mind
doesn’t happen within years,
it sticks to you,
only becoming looser
with experiences that
are not that kind of touch
are not that kind of movement
are not that kind of smell and
are not the amalgamation of
experiences like that
A holding pattern of that kind
is only released when its met
by experiences of the right kind,
And that pattern, I am still breaking.
