My Failed Attempt at Minimalism

Tyler Nayr looks at me and says, “I like you and I think you’re beautiful.” I’m thinking Why couldn’t you have waited a day, but my body quivers with excitement. So, I say, “I feel the same way.” It probably isn’t true, but for now it will do. Truth is, the reason why it isn’t true is because it is. I like Tyler. Unfortunately, Tyler has a fear of commitment — a small dilemma in what we call: My Life.

Tyler and me then decide that it is best for us to either 1) Commence what we call, a friend with benefits relationship or 2) Remain in the stasis called friendship. The latter is what I favor due to the previously described problem: a fear of commitment. You see, while he says he likes me, he doesn’t mean that he likes me, he means that he wants to fuck me and it just so happens that he doesn’t mind my presence. Knowing this, I consider his fear of commitment and decide that he doesn’t want a “friend with benefits.” Oh, no! A friend with benefits is a consistent, mutually agreed upon relationship. There’s that word: relationship. A commitment. So, I dutifully clarify the subtext of such a relationship, to which he agrees. Regardless of my efforts, he still wants to fuck me.

Which is made clear when Tyler says, “I want to cum on you glasses.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen. Do you know how difficult it is to remove semen? It’s not water soluble.”

That was settled, but there’s still the problem of what to do. I like Tyler. Tyler wants to fuck me. Tyler has a fear of commitment.

The semester resumes and we decide to hang out. Hang out as friends hang out, no subtext included. Which leads to me offering to host our hang out. Simple. Clean. Forward.

It is raining the day we hang out. Rain is a major turn on for me. I am nervous. Somersaults and Trapeze tricks in my stomach nervous. I consume a rather large burrito, chips and salsa. Probably not the best idea. Two words: Salsa breath. The insecurity sets in due to the circumstances. I have to poop, cue the burrito. I have salsa breath. Tyler arrives earlier than expected, and I just picked up a package that happens to be the wrong book. Thank you, Amazon.

We are hanging out, which goes well, but the air is stagnant. A couple of minutes before we are supposed to depart, something happens. I am sitting on my bed with my legs against the wall, while Tyler is sitting supine. It is silent, because neither of us know what to say. I attempt to interrupt the silence, but I ruin it. Hence, the resumption of silence. I am trying appreciate the silence, so I close my eyes, because I had a long day. It is still day. I get tired of being tired and open my eyes.

I look at Tyler and without saying anything, he stirs. Like a rush of wind, he tries to kiss me. At which point, I cover my mouth with my hand. Cue my backpedaling. Cue the plot hole.