Rollercoaster
Relationships are like rollercoasters. They begin slowly, gain in speed, then end suddenly with your head spinning. Being in yet another one of these intense, albeit ephemeral, stomach flipping relationships reminds me of you.
Makes me wonder why we wasted so much time when we knew we weren’t compatible. It took you a few months after me to figure out who the right girl for you was.
Three years later, a new state, and I still haven’t a clue.
If it took moving across the world and beginning anew to figure it out — why did we take two-and-a half years playing yoyo? Exhausted energy I could’ve been using to invest in other, more reliable men. Wasted.
I force myself to look back and see what I’ve learned from the rapidly compounding failure of relationships. I tape my eyes open and break my neck backwards in a bridge so I can see where I was and where it led me. Encourage my heart open, so it does not shrivel and forget its capacity. Remind myself of all I have become from less-than-ideal circumstances.
You, while you were many things I detested, my feet bloodied from all the glass I walked on while we were together did teach me something about myself.
You opened my eyes when all I could see were my imperfections. You reminded me that I am beautiful and described the exact reasons why. It was your analytical approach to beauty and attraction that pulled me from the center of the Earth and lifted me to the ground in which I hold myself upon.
Your egoic nature showed me what I do and do not want in a partner.
Your misogynistic chivalry enforced it.
Your vapid outbursts maintained it.
I am who I am, because of all who came before. I have persisted, because of what I have learned. I continue to ride rollercoasters, because the pleasure of the ride does not negate its eventual end. Each time, I learn of the various bends and twists and creaks and stops and each time, my stomach rests calmer. Yes, there is beauty in the ride of a rollercoaster. Every time you push yourself to get into the seat, you become better at reading the erratic direction it takes. With time, you learn you don’t always have to step off. In fact, you’ll save money by staying along for the ride.
